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Break Away
by Eilla

Rating: PG-13
Summary: Colin already knows. He’s just holding on for as long as it’ll last...
Archive: Would you, please?
Author’s Notes: Written right after “Colin the Second,” and it’ll probably be AU by next week. Well, it’s mild Ephram/Colin although more Colin sided, and a rather long vignette. I have no idea what I’m doing since I only just started watching Everwood, and cookies abound to anyone who catches the snazzy “The Professional” reference I put in without even realizing it. Much thanks to the betas: Evil-Kat, who doesn't watch Everwood but loves any kind of boy/boy action, BabylonPrincess for the visual inspiration :), and KT because nothing I write would make sense if it wasn't for her.

[ * ]

Colin can’t remember what it was like to love Amy.

Riding to school with her next to him and Bright driving, sitting with the popular selected few at lunch, hanging out after school with the others who wear letter jackets, always talking about nothing at all, and the town’s prince is back where he belongs.

There’s this watery, deformed feeling that breeds in his stomach every time he’s near the strangers that always want to clap his shoulder or brush his arm and cheerfully tell him they’re so glad he’s back. I’m not him, he wants to say and make them leave him alone. I’m Colin the Fake. The feeling has déjà vu.

~*~

He felt, for one second, after offering that ride home that he’d like to punch Ephram for being an asshole. Colin was being generous, being polite; the rule was to also be gracious to the recovering victim brought back from the dead, and just who was this pathetic excuse for the stereotypical brooding teenager?

Then it passed, and he was so relieved to find someone with enough balls to be honest even if was basically to say ‘fuck off.’ He gets the feeling it would have been a rare thing to happen even before the accident, and when enough excuses pass by his lips to finally get Ephram to walk with him a little (son of the man who saved my life/won’t treat me like I need to be someone they love/do any of these make sense at all because I think I’m babbling); he’s certainly nervous around the boy who sees the world through anime eyes, but he doesn’t get that stomach ache anymore.

~*~

Something happened between Ephram and Amy while he was in his coma. The two of them are so wooden, personalities drained away to monochrome. At least, they are when he’s there to make three company. He guesses they like each other, and maybe they kissed. Ephram stares after Colin’s girlfriend like he wants to devour Amy whole and never digest, and Amy is detachedly cool. So they were probably becoming friends before Colin woke up, and gave her life a choice (she thinks) to go back to the way things used to be.

Colin does like Ephram; the New York native is acerbic and biting, much like Bright except Ephram doesn’t need him to speak a certain way, act like this, remember back when...? and then be disappointed. Sometimes he gets the impression Ephram is a little too perfectly sitcom, or understanding, almost as if he were manipulating Colin, the real intention wedged between layers of actual amelioration, just waiting. He must have learned from the best, if that were true. But it doesn’t matter; Colin doesn’t have anyone else to be himself with. Ephram is the only one, besides his Doctor father, that isn’t bothered with Colin not acting like himself. But beards aren’t all that pretty.

~*~

He couldn’t remember what to do as Homecoming King. He couldn’t remember what he put down on the list, he can’t remember where he left his list, and he can’t remember if he lost it on purpose so Ephram would come and find him.

He couldn’t remember his damn keys either.

Colin felt better after shattering the window and red ribboning his hand. He got so frustrated with his memory; but last time he lost it there was an announcement the next day saying that the money for some craptacular field trip had to be used to fix the vandalized trophy case, and so some students would have to actually attend classes. He felt hazy with guilt.

Ephram doesn’t have one of those faces where you just open up to him, and that’s interesting because it’s all Colin ever does. He doesn’t know what he wants, what he wants to do, he can’t even remember what he’s supposed to want since his stupid brain won’t remember anything, like who the hell he is. He’s afraid of the trapped life he can see he was brought back to, stuck in the Everwood cycle, and will he end up the traveling salesman as well? It might be his brain again, but it stings from where Dr. Brown operated right down to his fingertips every time they won’t perceive the obvious facade of homecoming king. Or even care, maybe. Guess no one knows anymore that the more jokes you make the more you’re leaving hidden to gather dust balls. Must keep up pretenses, right Colin? he imagines the alien claiming maternity would say. He stumbles over trying to be eloquent and doesn’t really make sense, but Ephram listens, and doesn’t tell Colin not to worry because everything will be all right.

How makes things would Colin have to break before everything was all right?

He moved his hand reflexively under Ephram’s stare, the blood rendering his fingers to slide easily past each other. Ephram leaned forward to get a closer look, and Colin wondered if he would channel his father some and examine his injury, baby grand fingers rubbing over bloody knuckles and bloody palms until both their hands were in slippery connection. Ephram went to get his dad and left Colin alone in the truck.

~*~

Amy calls every night to talk to him, and they always discuss the school day and what movie and restaurant they want to go to over the weekend. She is endlessly patient and knows not to patronize about getting to remember who he’s supposed to be. She’s getting to know him all over again, and she’d never do such an ungrateful thing like break up with him.

So the once sweet spitfire of a girl (as he is told) is trying to make him leave her instead.

Colin can’t remember, but he can imagine, and he envisions in detail Amy being free to go along with Ephram. She’d become his whole life. Grades, family, music - Everything set for withering into the background in return to make a million smoldering moments together. If he put up with Colin in any way now, he wouldn’t have to pretend anymore and no amount of small town popularity would give him someone to walk with again.

Colin will continue to hold hands with his girlfriend, but the sidewalks are imprinted with the footsteps of Ephram and him.

~*~

FIN

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