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Waiting to Exhale
by BehrBeMineFeedback: I need it like Ephram needs his father.
Distribution: My sites, 'EverFic' and 'solemn*one'. To archive anywhere else, just ask.
Summary: Ephram endures the excruciating task of waiting for Colin's surgery; waiting to see if it will help him... Endures it for the girl he loves.
Rating: PG
Pairing: Ephram/Amy
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Don't sue, I'll cry. ;p
Spoilers: 'The Doctor Is In'
Dedication: For Krissy and Dana. You girls are *awesome*.[ * ]
Maybe, Ephram thinks, it wouldn't hurt so much if she wasn't so undeniably beautiful. If she wasn't the only warm soul in the cold Colorado town. If she hadn't been there from the beginning as a friend, making his heart believe that from now on, the favor is his to return. Maybe it would be easier if he didn't want so badly to be there for her.
He feels like his heart is as dead as the trees in the mountain reserve. Like he's as lost as the deer who found him. He is alone, and that's the last thing he wants to be.
He's falling for her, falling in love with her, and he realizes it more clearly than ever as he leans against the open doorway of Colin's hospital room. His arms crossed over his chest that he fears isn't as broad as Colin's, he stares at the boy in the bed, the boy in the coma... the boy who Amy belongs to.
The boy whose circumstances has broken her heart in two. The boy that stands between Ephram and any chance he might have had with this amazing girl that he wishes he'd known forever.
Colin is everything to Amy... She doesn't even see Ephram. Not really. She is paralyzed by her love for Colin; terrified that she'll lose him the second she looks away. The second she lets another boy look deep into her heart.
Colin is so still... he almost doesn't even look real. He looks small, buried underneath the cheap scratchy-feeling hospital blankets. His face is white, a reminder of the summer sun he missed.
Ephram closes his eyes and wonders who would care if he were in a coma. His mother would have cared, that much he knew. Delia would care. Would his father care? Would he?
His sulking is interrupted as Amy comes up from behind him. Ephram's eyes snap open when he feels her hands rest delicately on his hips. She does it for the simple reason of nudging him over to make room so she can enter through the doorway, but all he can think of is the feel of her hands *on him*. Amy's hands on his body. He sucks in his breath and holds it for a few seconds after she lets go and moves into the room. Tentatively he puts his own hands on his hips, and wishes she would touch him again.
Amy's eyes reflect her inner pain in a way that makes Ephram ache for her. She stands at the foot of Colin's bed, staring at him with so much love, so much. She swallows, and now it's her turn to close her eyes.
Ephram watches in silence at first, feeling as though he's looking in on a very private moment. He wonders if he should go. But, God, he doesn't want to.
He moves in front of the room's window instead, looking out at the cream-colored wall on the other side of the hallway. "Some view," he comments dryly.
"Yeah..." Amy murmurs, looking away from Colin at a speed that's agonizingly slow. She licks her lips and takes a deep breath. "Ephram... Would you thank your dad for me? For deciding to go ahead with the surgery?"
"You can thank him yourself when it's successful."
"Do you believe it will be?" She searches his face as if looking for the truth.
"Do you?"
"I have to believe that..."
Ephram nods. Tries to think of something comforting to say. "I'll believe it for you."
Amy smiles. It is a genuine smile, but it doesn't light up her eyes. And as soon as it comes, it's gone.
"I wonder what time it is," Amy says after a pause. Then adds, "Watches don't really go with this outfit."
"Last time I checked, we had an hour before surgery," Ephram says. "If you want to get your mind off of it, we could go find something edible. Don't think the cafeteria would meet those standards, but I think I saw a snack machine around the corner."
"No, that's... that's okay. I don't want to get my mind off of it. And I don't want to leave him." Amy moves to the side of Colin's bed, letting her fingertips glide over the bulge of his legs in the blanket as she inches closer to his top half. "I mean, in case something goes wrong in the surgery... I want to spend this time with him. I want to be with him in case I won't have another chance..."
Amy's voice cracks on the last word, and Ephram sees a tear fall onto Colin's blanket. Though her back is to Ephram, he can imagine how hurtful it would be to see her face. He doesn't want to see that pain in her eyes, that lost look she gets whenever her thoughts turn to her boyfriend.
Amy doesn't cry in front of people, that much is clear. Ephram knows this because of the show she tried to put on - - desperate to convince him and everyone else she was okay when she was breaking inside. But she's crying now, right in front of him, and he has no idea what he should do.
Amy sobs and sniffles as Ephram stands helpless behind her. He listens to the sounds of her pain pouring out, and thinks again of the day he lied to her. The day he dashed her hopes for his father to try helping Colin. The day he left her alone to cry.
He thinks of the recital night, of his torture as he looked at her backstage. She was so beautiful - - a dainty ballerina in virgin white. Suddenly he could think of nothing but her, although her thoughts were far from him. Her thoughts came from deep in her heart, from a time in her memory when Ephram wasn't in her life. She thought of Colin, and cried tears for him. She'd lost him, she said. She'd lost him.
Now Ephram had played a part in trying to bring him back. He did it for Amy, because caring about her meant wanting her to find happiness, even if what would make her happy wasn't him.
Suddenly Ephram's mouth feels very dry.
Ephram watches as Amy's hands tenderly trace Colin's shoulders, his collarbone, his face. She lets her hand linger over his lips, and when she leans down to kiss them, tears fall on his face. It's appropriate; after all, the tears she cries are for him.
Ephram starts breathing a little harder. He has to do something, say something. She's crying, she's hurting, and he is the only one there to console her.
"Amy," he says, to get her attention. She stands up straight and takes her hands off of Colin, turning only her head to look in Ephram's direction. "I... I wish I knew what to say to you. I don't..."
He stops, having to think. His brain is clouded over with emotion. "My dad... he can do this... he..."
"My grandmother said your sister found God in a gas tank," Amy interrupts quietly. She turns herself around to face Ephram, and her voice is even quieter as she continues, "Do you think he's in this room right now?"
Ephram feels as though nothing he can say is going to be right. The word "God" triggers memories of his mother, as it has ever since her death. "I remember, at my mom's funeral, I kept wondering if God was in the car with her when she crashed..." He looks down at his shoes. "I guess I'll never know the answer."
Amy's tears just won't stop falling. Her cheeks are wet and her chin is trembling. "Ephram," she says, her voice pleading - - he looks at her right away because of how she sounds, "Please do something." Her teeth chatter as she wraps her arms around herself. "Just... God, just make my brain stop."
Ephram can't think as he stares at Amy. He feels his heart beating, can almost hear the thumping, can almost feel the blood rushing through his veins. He feels like ripping his heart out and giving it to her.
He advances towards her so fast, his mind doesn't even register what's happening. Neither does Amy's, because she doesn't move.
Ephram pushes her arms away from in front of her chest, intending to hug her, to do anything to stop her from crying... But suddenly he moves even closer, and he's kissing her, kissing her... There's no reaction from Amy - - she doesn't kiss him back, doesn't push him away, and he can't stop. He tastes the salt of her tears on her lips, feels them on his palm as he touches the side of her face.
Her lips are so soft; kissing her is everything he thought it would be.
But it's not his right to be kissing her. Not this girl, not here, not today. So he pulls away.
Ephram realizes he wasn't breathing when his lungs feel closed up. His breaths then come out quick, matching the super-speed pumping of his heart. His world turns into slow motion as he watches Amy's face, desperate for a reaction that doesn't come for so long.
Amy stares at him blankly, then looks down at the floor. She widens her eyes for just a second, and then brings her hand to her mouth to stifle a loud sob as she starts crying again, even harder than before. Her small body shakes, her long hair coming forward to brush against her cheeks.
Immediately Ephram reaches out and seizes her, slamming her into his body, wrapping his arms around her so tightly. All of a sudden aware of what he has just done. He's never hugged her before, never held her close to him, but he doesn't know what else to do.
He waits for her to angrily push him away, to slap his face and demand that he leave. But all she does is crumble in his arms, and when her legs give out, he holds her up, shutting his eyes tightly as he lays his head on her trembling shoulders.
"I'm sorry..." he says, his voice frantic. "I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened to me, I... Oh, God, I'm so stupid."
Amy takes in a shuddering breath, clinging to Ephram like a lifeboat in the sea. And Ephram's drowning, drowning with her, falling into the blackness around them that promises nothing. The blackness that is Colin's mind, that sees nothing, that keeps him from Amy. The blackness that might keep him, and nobody can know if the dark will prevail.
But, for Amy's sake, as Ephram holds her and breathes in her scent, as he feels the softness of her hair, as he catches a glimpse of what it's like to love her... he wishes for the blackness to end.
- -
end(c) everfic. cue edna's voice: i don't own squat, private.
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