Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Don't sue,
I'll cry. ;p
Summary: Just a quick dip into the mind of
Michael Guerin. It's something I've always wanted to do; Michael is so complex
that it's interesting to attempt to explain why he is the way he is.
Rating: PG-13 for mild swearing.
Classification: Michael POV
Spoilers: Eh, might spoil anything up to
'Heart of Mine'.
- - -
Most people in my situation at least
have the satisfaction of knowing when it was that their life began to screw up.
Lucky bastards. In my case, there's no point that my worthless existence came to
be just that; it was simply always that way. *I* was always that way.
Worthless. I can already guess what Maxwell would say about my life being
referred to with such a word. "Michael, you're not worthless," he'd say in that
tone that always fails to reassure. "Nobody's worthless, everybody has a purpose
in life."
Be that as it may, there are those that don't have a specific purpose other than
to exist day after day, much to the annoyance of onlookers. Not that the
onlookers mean anything, and not that I care what the hell they think of me.
Still, I'm not so blind that I don't notice the subtle looks of contempt thrown
my way.
When I was a kid I used to think it was because I didn't have a family. Families
give you strength, they stand by you no matter what happens, no matter how many
times you screw up. They stay loyal to you because they respect you. Family is
everything to me, always has been. Probably because I've never really had one of
my own.
Sure, I guess I can always say that Max and Isabel are family enough for me, and
our bond is so tight that I know they'd do anything for me. At least I like to
convince myself of that daily. Still, it's not enough. It never was.
Maybe it was fate that allowed Maxwell and Isabel to be adopted together into a
nice home. Maybe it was all planned that way to ensure that Max would grow up to
be a stable and clear-thinking person so that he'd rule wisely when he accepted
the throne on our home planet. And maybe it was just my bad luck that sent me
into a string of foster homes as a young child before settling for years with a
drunken bastard that lived in a trailer park.
I was always having bad luck come my way; even now, it's rare that I catch a
break and ride the easy lifestyle for those excruciatingly short periods of
time. But, to be fair, I have gotten lucky a few times during these seventeen
years of hell. I guess my biggest accomplishment has been falling in love with
Maria. Nothing else in my life has ever felt so right, and so meant to be.
Although it was difficult to let my guard down and allow myself to become
vulnerable to her companionship, there's no doubt in my mind that was the
smartest thing I've ever done.
-- Flashback --
Michael tagged along behind Max Evans in the school hallway on the last day of
ninth grade. "There she is," Max gasped, stopping in his tracks.
Quickly, he stopped too quickly, and Michael rammed into his back.
"Ouch! Michael - - geeze! Watch where you're going!" demanded a frustrated Max.
His expression softened as he gazed down the hallway. Liz Parker leaned
comfortably against a locker about ten feet away, giggling with a group of
friends.
"I know, I know, right? So he calls and he's all, 'Hey, sweetie, wanna hook up
sometime?' I was all like, oh my God!" With a mischevious grin, Liz gushed the
details of the last night to her friends as they stood around her in a lopsided
circle. "So anyway, he must have thought I was like this total ditz because I
was sitting there hyper-ventilating by the phone."
Laughing with excitement, a pixy-blonde girl Maria chimed in, "So are you guys,
like, going out now or what?"
"I don't know, I mean, I guess so," answered Liz, her heart a-flutter. "He said
he wants me to meet him in the eraser room after last period."
"God, can you believe this?" said a tall red-headed girl, stifling the scream
that had lodged itself in her throat. "Liz is going to the eraser room with Kyle
Valenti!"
"I know!" Squealing with glee, Liz jumped up and down while clasping her
friend's hands.
-- End Flashback --
Freshmen year could've been a little better if Maxwell hadn't fallen completely
head-over-heels for Liz. I'd always known he had a thing for her, but damn, it
began to turn into an all-out obsession. Everytime we passed her locker, he'd
make me stop and shut up so he could watch her talking and laughing with all her
millions of friends. Was I the only one immune to her charms?
It's not so much that I didn't like Liz, although I've got to tell you, I REALLY
didn't... But it was the fact that she stole Max's attention without even
trying. Immediately he'd shush me if we even came within hearing distance of her
bratty little voice. Suddenly she was of more importance to him than me, even
though she hardly knew he existed.
-- Flashback --
"Haha, Liz Parker and Kyle Valenti, that's funny," Michael said after the group
of girls had moved on towards their next class.
Shooting Michael a pained expression, Max trudged on to math, disappointed. "Now
I have no chance. I knew I should've just asked her out already."
"Oh come on, Maxwell. She's not worth all that, just forget about her."
"I don't want to forget about her," Max stated, unable to keep the hurt from his
voice.
Quickening his steps, Michael rushed to stand in front of his best friend,
blocking his way. "Hey, I know what'll cheer you up. Let's go shoot some hoops
after school, at East Park. I'll go easy on you this time, let you get a few
points in," he joked.
Max's shoulders sagged as he sighed. "Naw... I don't wanna. I think I'm just
gonna go home after school. Start my summer off with a bleh." That said, he
walked away. Now it was Michael's turn to let his shoulders sag.
-- End Flashback --
It's kind of strange the way you end up with people. Maria DeLuca. Who would've
thought she and I would ever be an item? Not me, that's for sure. I guess that's
one good thing that came out of Max's reckless decision to save Liz on that
fateful day at The Crashdown, uniting the three of us with Liz's inner circle of
friends.
I'd never really taken the time to notice Maria before we were thrust together
to help keep the alien secret from getting to the ears of higher authority. I'd
just always seen her as this eccentric blonde that was always gushing with
perkiness. A nuisance. She'd almost always annoyed me. Probably because she was
always around Liz.
But despite that, as she became a part of my everyday life, my lips collided
with her own and before I knew what was happening, I was sucked into Mariaville,
strange and unexpected as it was. And as time went by, I came to care for her
more than anyone on this planet. At first it scared me, really scared me. It
does even now. I never used to think I was even capable of feeling such an
emotion, love, until she came along. I hated the feeling at first; I felt
vulnerable, like nothing was in my control anymore.
After rebelling and succeeding at breaking her heart in two, I found myself
accepting the emotional claim she had on me. It's what you have to do in order
to really fall in love, I guess. Surrender your fears of commitment and
responsibility, and just allow yourself to sink into the arms of that special
someone. Trust. I had to trust. Over time I learned to trust Maria. I'm sure I
always will. Once you take that plunge, unfortunate or not, there's no turning
back.
-- Flashback --
It was tenth grade and Max and Liz had finally gotten together. The two sat
dreamy-eyed at a table in The Crashdown, obviously making the most out of Liz's
break.
Max was speaking softly to her as he leaned forward to lightly touch her hair.
Liz laughed as he cracked a joke and reached over to playfully tap him on the
shoulder.
"My God... it's like watching Romeo and Juliet on helium," Maria remarked with
some disgust to mask the envy in her voice. She had paused while taking
Michael's order long enough to glance over at the infatuated couple. "They're
completely oblivious to everything around them, it's just sad."
Turning her attention back to Michael she'd paused as she noticed him staring at
her in a dazed manner. Failing to see the significance, she'd rolled her eyes
and said, "What?"
-- End Flashback --
Personally, I think the circumstances surrounding Maria and me were better.
There was no pining over someone in the beginning. I wanted her, and she was
there. So we got together. That's always been my way. Bluntness solves things
quicker. Saves me from all that unwanted angst, too. I'll leave that to Max.
You know, I never did get that whole lovey-dovey thing Max and Liz have going
for them. I suppose that comes of no surprise, considering my background.
-- Flashback --
On a lukewarm day during seventh grade, Michael entered the lunchroom and
searched for his usual lunch companions. Spying them at a table in the corner,
he made his way over.
Plopping his crumbled-up paper sack onto the tabletop, he sat down next to
Isabel who eyed him suspiciously. "Where were you all morning?" she inquired
with concern, fearing she already knew the answer.
"In my room," he answered in a mumble, refusing to meet the eyes of Isabel and
Max that seeked to hear more.
"Mrs. Collins said you can't have many more absenses," Max spoke up, reaching
for his carton of milk. "If you do they'll flunk you."
Michael scoffed. "Like I care."
"Look up, Michael," Isabel ordered, reaching over for his face. She cupped a
hand beneath his chin and raised his head before he had the time to protest,
then sucked in her breath. "Max..." she said, glancing uneasily across the table
to her brother.
"Yeah, I know," Max answered knowingly, barely giving Michael's bruised left eye
a look-see. "Hank got mad again last night, huh?" he pried gently, hurting
inside as he always did when his best friend had troubles at home.
Michael shrugged, casting it off as if it were nothing, when all morning he'd
cried out in pain, tucked into a ball on his mattress. The mattress he'd slept
on for years now, after Hank decided he wasn't deserving of a real bed. All
alone he'd felt after another meeting with his foster dad's fist. All alone
without a soul in the world to save him. Though God knows Max and Isabel had
tried. But they were just kids.
"Come and sleep over at our house tonight," Max offered, swallowing the lump of
rage in his throat. What a terrible guardian Hank was. It was such a tragedy
that a boy as fragile in confidence as Michael had ended up in such a damaging
household.
Though he was thankful, Michael's voice came out as nothing more than a
monotone. "Yeah, okay."
-- End Flashback --
Cuts and bruises heal. It was my confidence that suffered. It was a great day
when I finally found the strength to get out of that trailer park and declare
myself a legal adult. My apartment's nice; spacious and yet cozy. That's what
Maria had called it. So I guess that means she likes it. Which is a plus.
I still have trouble sleeping sometimes. I feel silly, almost a man and still
knocking on Max's bedroom window at night, asking to sleep on his floor. I've
been doing it for so many years now it comes as no surprise to him anymore. He
just nods and tosses the sleeping bag to the floor before collapsing into his
bed again.
I should be grateful I have such a loyal friend. He understands my reasoning
without having to question it, which definitely has saved me a lot of
humiliation over the years. Beyond that, I have too much pride to just break
down and speak of my fears to almost anyone. But, then again, I don't think
that's so much me as it is just that I'm a guy. I'm still waiting for the day
that Maxwell will shut the window in my face and rake his eyes over me with
disgust as he realizes just what a failure I am.
Of course that's a terrible thing to expect from your best friend, but it's my
fear with everybody. So many people that I've tried to get close to have failed
me when I needed them the most, and over the years it's just become a given that
the vicious cycle will never be stopped. Everyone cracks at some point. I can't
ask them to accept my flaws forever.
-- Flashback --
Liz sighed in frustration as she slammed a plate of food on the counter, giving
Michael an icy glare as he continued to flip burgers on the sizzling stove at
The Crashdown. "Michael, stop cremating them! All the customers are complaining
the food tastes burned."
"I'm cooking them like I always do," Michael insisted, pressing down hard on one
to squeeze the remaining blood out as he reached for a bun.
"Look at that!" said Liz, pointing angrily to the burger he'd just finished
preparing. "It's burnt to a crisp! God, Michael, turn the heat down. I'm not
going to be getting any tips tonight if this keeps up! Re-do the order. NOW."
With a huff, she flung the order sheet at Michael's face and rushed out to
apologize to a customer, assuring them their food would be done right this time
and would be ready in just a few minutes. "We're just having a bit of a problem
with the cook," she explained.
Rolling his eyes angrily, Michael glared down at the order slip in his hand.
"Sometimes I really hate that girl." Scanning his eyes over the order, he
sneered at the precise handwriting. Figures that a girl like that would have
perfect handwriting, he thought to himself. Stupid handwriting, he topped.
Not like Maria's. It was the kind that put you in a good mood to view, not the
type of handwriting used by science professors. Maria was always slipping him
notes in between classes, scribbled out in all sorts of neon pens. Her big,
girlish letters were full of big swoops and rounded shapes. In between sentences
she'd draw smiley faces and hearts.
Smiling to himself, Michael pressed down on another burger as he watched Maria
taking an order at the other end of the room. She stood half-listening, while
she twirled a bit of gum with her fingers, then popped it back into her mouth.
Nodding, she confirmed an answer to a question the customer had asked before
whipping her order pad out of the apron at the front of her uniform and jotting
down as he talked.
Sashaying over to Michael, she ripped off that page and handed it back to him.
"Look, Michael, I drew you," she laughed. Michael turned his attention to the
paper to see that she actually had drawn him.
He smiled, amused. "So what did the customer want to order?"
"Oh, um..." she paused, thinking back. "I dunno, wait, hang on, I'll go ask
again."
Michael laughed. She was too cute.
"Michael!" came Liz's high-pitched yell. "Where's my order?"
Sliding a plate over to her, he rolled his eyes. "Here, geeze, it's right here.
Stop being such a brat."
-- End Flashback --
To be fair to Liz, though, she isn't always like that. I seem to annoy her as
much as she annoys me. It's this whole karma thing we've had going on since
forever. I feel hostile and uneasy in her presence, always willing her to go
away. I'm pretty sure she feels the same.
She's like this completely different person the moment Max steps into view. Her
voice softens and this slight smile plays upon her lips. There's a dreamy
sparkle in her eyes that vanishes only after he's left the room. But then the
moment she turns to me, it's like the soft glow of her regular personality
disappears and all that's left is this impatience. Like she can't wait for me to
get out of her sight.
A lot of my dislike for her stems from the fact that she stole Max away. Not
that I feel I'm so important I should have all his attention or anything, but
it's as if I don't exist when Liz is around. Maybe I'm just being mean, because
it's not like it's her fault, but that's the only reason I can really think to
explain why she and I have this barrier between us. We're friends by
association, but I can't say that I care for her like I do the others in our
tight-knit group.
But I guess we've had our moments.
-- Flashback --
"Hey, Michael, can I talk to you?" Liz asked as she approached him in the
hallway.
"Uh... yeah, I guess so. What do you need?"
"Well it's just something I need to ask you. Do you have a few minutes?"
"Yeah." Actually he didn't. He'd been on his way to study hall, needing to
discuss some things with Maria during his free time. But for some reason he felt
like being gracious and followed Liz into the eraser room. "Whoa, this is weird,
I mean, being in here with you," he remarked as Liz locked the door behind them.
Embarassment clouded her face for a moment as Liz realized the implications of
that statement. "Oh, yeah, I know I'm sorry, it's just that I wanted to be
somewhere private and secluded."
"Alright, so what's this you have to ask me?" Michael asked, crossing his arms
across his chest as was his usual stance.
"Well, you know, prom is coming up, and I've been thinking about it lately..."
Liz paused to sort out her next sentence before going on. "I mean, I realize
things haven't been exactly great between all of us for awhile now, but--"
"You want to ask Max to prom," Michael guessed, trying to speed this up. He
didn't have the patience to listen to Liz beat around the bush today.
She stopped. "Yeah... It's just, when Max and I started getting closer last
year, I kind of already had it planned out in my mind... Circumstances are
different, obviously, but... do you think he'd consider going with me?"
"Liz, I'm his friend, not a mind reader. Why don't you just ask him?"
"Well, see that's the thing, Michael. I don't know if I could handle a rejection
from him, I'd just be too embarassed for even asking in the first place," Liz
explained apprehensively.
Michael exhaled. Girls. What stupid problems they have. "Okay, I guess I can see
where you're coming from. So what do you need me for? You want me to ask him for
you?"
"No, no, no, nothing like that," she said, smiling with hope. "I just thought
I'd ask you if you think he'll say yes. I can't ask Isabel because she'd be sure
to tell him, and you're the only other person that's been close with him these
past few months."
"What about Tess? She'd know his answer."
Liz's face paled as her smile dissolved. "Michael..." she began.
He sighed. Great, now I made her feel bad, he thought impatiently to himself.
Despite the way he'd always felt towards her, he wasn't so heartless as to not
care. He didn't want to hurt her feelings. Examining her face for a moment, he
answered with certainty, "Yeah, Liz, I think he'd go with you. You know how he
feels about you... And anyway it's just the prom. Not marriage or anything."
A smile found its way to Liz's face again. "You think? So I should ask him
then."
"Yeah. Ask him."
Sighing with happiness, Liz nodded. "Okay, that's great. Thank you, Michael."
She said it with such sincerity there was a moment of silence to follow.
Uncomfortable and very much wanting to leave, Michael sniffed and shrugged his
shoulders. "Sure, yeah, whatever," he said, making his way to the door and
exiting the eraser room.
-- End Flashback --
I never will like that girl. But at least now I know I can stand her. When I'm
in the right mood, anyway.
But Max will always be in love with her. There's no saving that boy, he'll
worship the ground she walks on 'till the day he dies. It's beyond love, it's
uncontrollable. I think honestly she's the same way. But Max is like that with
everybody. He's a very overprotective person, while at the same time one of the
most gentle guys I've ever known. It's hard to imagine him hurting a fly, but he
would do whatever it takes to keep any of us out of danger. I'd like to think
I'd do the same. That old 'I'll watch your back, you watch mine' thing.
I can't guarantee I'd even have the strength or the knowledge to save someone I
love if they were in danger. It all goes back to that night last summer, that
night when Max saved a life while I took one away. No matter what Max ever does
it'll always be regarded as the lesser of two evils, because I'll always be
there to do something worse. The black sheep, that's me.
None of this is anybody's fault. I guess it's not mine, either. It's just the
way it is. Max is the perfect son, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect brother,
the perfect leader. And I tag along for the ride, occasionally tripping somebody
or screwing up the plan. It's inevitable; there's no escaping myself. It's taken
me a long time to learn to accept that, and I still haven't fully forgiven
myself for being the way I am. But I'm starting to deal with it. And perhaps in
time I'll be able to overcome it and contribute something worthy to the world,
either this one or the one I came from.
-- Flashback --
"There's plenty of good in you, buddy," Max assured as he shot a basketball into
the hoop in one swift motion. Hustling up to dribble it back to the center of
his driveway, he glanced at his friend that was slouched against a tree in the
shadows of the fleeing afternoon.
Stepping up to his friend, Michael took the ball into his hands, twirling it
atop one finger before shooting it for the basket. It missed. Sighing, he turned
to Max with uncertainty. "You think so?"
"Michael, one day people are going to see you as I see you. As I've always seen
you," said Max with brotherly care. Michael shook his head in doubt. "One day,"
Max continued, "You're going to do something so incredible that everyone will
stand up and take notice. Then you'll have no choice but to believe in yourself
because you'll finally realize what you're made of." Max stopped to flash his
best friend a grin of confidence. "And don't worry. I'll be there to point and
say I told you so."
-- End Flashback --
The end.
