Rory was certain she had the calendar marked correctly, with the red circles
around the correct dates. This is always when it happened, give or take a few
days. But it had been seven days... Something was wrong. Her period was late,
way late. Did it mean something? Oh, God.
She had to take a pregnancy test. She could go no longer being a bundle of
nerves, waiting and waiting. Too much stress could make her skip her period; too
much physical exertion. Had she been walking around town too much, trying to
stay away from the home that housed the bed in which she had committed such a
terrible sin? Trying to stay away from a mother who had judged her as never
before?
She avoided Luke's, the Inn, anything in the entire vicinity of either,
hiding from her mother, all day long. She missed Luke's coffee... She missed her
mom.
But she wasn't ready to forgive her yet. For ruining everything.
Rory flipped the calendar on her wall back a few months, looking on each to
see the dates that were marked in red. Yes, she had marked this month correctly.
She should be bleeding right now, this very second. But there was nothing...
nothing. Nothing except a pit in her stomach and a sinking sensation in her
entire body, as if she were a bird falling from the sky.
She looked closely at the picture of the current month on the calendar. It
was an animal calendar, with babies and their mothers, given to her by Lorelai
last Christmas. She zeroed in on the baby bear that batted its mom's face
lightly with its paw. Baby, baby, baby. She slapped a hand over her mouth to
stifle a gasp of realization and turned around, not wanting to see a baby or a
mother right now. But her realization was this: she might have a real
baby of her own one day. Too soon, it was too soon. She'd never finish college.
How could she?
Rory stood in her room, surrounded by all that reminded her of that fateful
night two weeks ago. All she could see when she looked at her bed was sex. Its
innocence had been stripped away - she couldn't look back on the memory of
picking that bed out when she was ten. Not when such adult things had happened
in it. And oh, the surroundings... the things on her wall that she had glanced
at here and there while she was nearing an orgasm. They'd never look the same.
She had to do something. She had to flee from this place that suffocated her.
Rory picked up her purse and ran out of her house, slamming the front door
behind her. She hurried to her car which needn't be unlocked, for there was
never a reason to lock anything in Stars Hollow. It was a town like out of a
fairy tale or a children's show.
Sitting back in the driver's seat, Rory contemplated her next move. She was
on a hunt for a home pregnancy test. She couldn't go to Doose's - they didn't
sell such things in this town. Plus, there was the Dean factor in that he might
be there. Rory had been avoiding him for the last two weeks, not ready to face
up to what she had done. Not ready for the repercussions to rain down on her.
She didn't see him, she didn't call him - not since that night that she dialed
his number and his wife, his wife answered the phone. She knew she needed
to talk to him, she just... couldn't.
So, ripping her thoughts away from the treacherous road to which they had
strayed, Rory decided on what would be the plan. She would buy a pregnancy test
in Hartford. And hope to God she didn't run into her grandparents while she was
at it, though she doubted they ever shopped where she shopped. They were rich;
they were above it. They were different.
On to Hartford it was. Rory fastened her seat belt, imagining strapping a
child into a car seat, and started the car. She sped off and out of the town she
lived in. The town that she had grown up in, where her reputation was that of an
innocent angel who could do no wrong, could make no mistake. In a grim way, she
wondered what they would all think of her now.
When she arrived at a supermarket in Hartford, she quickly perused the aisles
until she found what she was looking for. She then found the dilemma of choosing
which test to buy. She researched, as she often does, reading the backs of
several boxes before picking the one that seemed most worthy of her money. What
was in this box could determine the rest of her life. She didn't take this
decision lightly.
It was uncomfortable at the checkout, standing there as the box was scanned
and also looked at by the cashier, who raised her eyebrows at Rory and said,
"You look so young."
"Yeah, well, things happen," Rory said defensively.
The cashier swallowed her next words and placed the box into a plastic bag
that she handed Rory as soon as she had paid. Then Rory hightailed it out of
there, trying to decide where the best place would be to take this test. As she
drove, her thoughts turned to her mother, who she really wished could be there
with her when she found out. But she hadn't really talked to her mother in two
weeks, ever since spouting forth her hatred right in Lorelai's face. She still
wasn't over the hurt of her mother not being there for her when she was so
happy. It had always seemed before that Lorelai made every effort to understand.
But would anyone understand this? She had slept with a married man. And now she
might be carrying his child.
Oh, God.
Rory finally decided that home would be the best place. Even though she
dreaded every time she had to walk in the door, the bathroom would be less
sterile, more comforting. She needed any comfort she could grasp.
Stopping the car in front of her home, Rory got out very slowly, and it was
with this same slowness that she proceeded up the porch steps, through the front
door, and into the bathroom. She closed the door with a feather-lightness,
gulping down her fear, wishing it would go away.
She read the directions thoroughly and did as she was told, then set the
stick down on the counter and just stared. She glanced at her watch every thirty
seconds, impatient, her eyes watering already.
This was supposed to be a good experience. One that you've expected. It
wasn't something that was supposed to happen to a scared nineteen year-old girl.
But the world is as it is.
As Rory gazed on, slowly the stick started to form a color. She watched
intently to see if it would change to pink or to blue, her heart thudding in her
chest, sending the taste of vomit into her mouth. For endless seconds, she
waited, afraid, alone.
Rory was secluded in her bedroom when Lorelai came home that night. She heard
her mother sigh in a tired way and fling her keys onto a nearby table. The door
to her bedroom was wide open, inviting. Rory was ready to talk to her mother
again. To find her best friend again.
Lorelai headed straight for the kitchen, and that is where Rory found her,
walking in slowly and staring straight at her mother, who was currently holding
the phone, contemplating something. Probably what kind of food to order for
dinner. Rory wasn't thinking about dinner.
When Lorelai didn't look up from the phone, furrowing her brows as if in
concentration, Rory reluctantly cleared her throat. "Mom?"
Looking up, Lorelai stared her straight in the eye. She now had her
attention. Lorelai seemed surprised. She had tried to initiate conversations for
so long now, and always Rory had run away from them, not wanting to be a part of
any words that might come from her mother's mouth. But now she was the
initiator, one that stood trembling in the middle of the seldom used kitchen.
Rory's arms encircled her body protectively, concealing a flat stomach that
could so easily change.
Noticing her daughter's vulnerability, Lorelai's sarcasm melted away, and was
replaced by a mature, loving tone of voice as she answered her daughter. "Yes?"
Her facial features fell at the sight on Rory's face. It crumbled in pain and
her eyes started filling up with tears that soon streaked their way down her
cheeks.
It looked as though Lorelai's heart sank down to her feet. "Honey... what's
wrong?"
Rory started nervously rocking back-and-forth on her heels. "I - I have to
tell you something."
"You know you can tell me anything. Unless it's that you're going to murder
me and bury me in the back yard."
Rory looked around, and shivered. She wiped away the tears on her face,
though more continued to fall. Suddenly she inwardly scolded herself. She wasn't
this weak; she was strong. She could face this. She could do this. She softly
blurted out, "I'm pregnant."
There was a silence then that stretched on until Rory's empty stomach
growled. She had forgotten to eat today. "Mom?..."
"I'm hungry. Are you hungry? You sound hungry, unless your body's just
growling at me, which, lately, could be the case." Lorelai spoke quickly, as she
always does, and set about looking for some food.
"Mom - "
"How about some pop tarts? I got the s'mores kind, you know they're the best.
Well, actually, you like the cherry ones better, but I win because the s'mores
are all we have. I know they're around here somewhere..."
Rory looked on in uncertainty as her mother banged cabinet doors and opened
drawers, looking for the illusive pop tarts. Rory was confused, but couldn't
find the words to express it.
"Oh my God!" shrieked Lorelai. "I know where they are!" She rushed over to
the freezer and pulled out an unopened box of the s'mores flavored pastries.
"It's the new thing, you know, you're supposed to freeze them. Makes them
crunchy. Well, that's what they say, though I've never tried them frozen, so
let's try them. Do you want one?"
Rory was suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling of not knowing what to do. She
concentrated on the box in her mother's hands, and compared it to the size of
the test box she had thrown away a few hours ago. They were about the same size.
Nausea overtook her.
"No," she managed. "I - I can't eat right now."
"A Gilmore? Not able to eat? Please tell me you're kidding. I don't have the
energy to notify the press."
"Mom..."
"If you can't eat, maybe you can drink. Do you want some coffee? God, why is
it that we never have coffee made? We always have to wait and wait for it to
brew. Our coffee maker sucks. We should disown him. How about going to Luke's
for coffee? Come on, hurry, let's break a record in the time it takes us to run
there!"
Lorelai was speaking so quickly, it was almost as if her lips were a blur.
Everything was a blur to Rory right now, her eyes filled up with salty tears.
"Mom, please," Rory said, her voice cracking. She swayed off balance and the
room started to spin. Releasing her death grip around her own body, she steadied
herself.
Finally winding down, Lorelai sighed, and then stared, her face a reflection
of the hurt in her daughter's eyes. They broke the stare when Rory looked away,
not having the nerve to continue, and Lorelai brought the palm of her hand to
her forehead. "I need to sit down." She sent the box of pop tarts down with a
"thump" and slumped down without grace to the floor. Right there, from where she
was standing.
Rory closed the space between them and then slowly got down on her knees. She
looked at Lorelai as Lorelai studied the floor.
Rory whispered it this time: "I'm pregnant."
Lorelai gathered herself. She had to, for her kid, who was in pain and
obviously very, very afraid. She swallowed over the lump in her throat. "Are you
sure?"
"I - I took a test. It said it was ninety-nine percent accurate..."
"You don't believe that remaining one percent could be true?" asked Lorelai.
"You don't believe that at all?"
Rory exhaled, her breath shaky. "I want to." She broke down into more tears,
and her voice was hoarse now, as if she had been crying all day. "...But I
can't."
"You used a condom?"
"I told you we did."
"A Trojan?"
Rory nodded.
That day the Trojans died.
Without warning, Rory suddenly reached forward and seized her mother into a
hug. Lorelai tensed up in her tight embrace. Rory was already tense.
Rory's tears were no longer silent. Her mouth opened and she sobbed. She
wailed. Lorelai clung tightly to her, and an unseen tear escaped her eye. Rory
knew that she was bringing her mother back to a day nineteen years ago when she
had seen the test stick turn blue. She was all alone, no one there by her side
to ease the trauma on her sixteen year-old heart. Rory feared that she was
disappointed that her daughter's life was beginning to mirror her own, and she
was wary of the consequences in that this pregnancy involved a married man.
Lorelai contemplated these words, letting them sink in deep. When Rory paused
in her crying, as if to give her mother time to speak, Lorelai hurriedly wiped
the one solitary tear from her face, and softened into Rory's hug, circling her
arms around her child's body.
Inside Rory's heart of hearts, she hoped with a wavering doubt that despite
what people would think and what they would say, her mother would stand by her,
and be there for her. That she was not going to lose her daughter over this. She
wouldn't let the same thing happen that had happened to her.
"Like mother, like daughter, huh?" mumbled Lorelai, her words muffled by
Rory's shoulder. But Rory heard. And she laughed. She let some of the pain
dissipate for a moment, and felt something good again. This wasn't all bad if
they could still find humor in the situation.
Reluctantly, but eventually, the Gilmore girls moved apart. Separated before
they melded into one.
"Rory, we'll get through this," Lorelai confirmed, probably having to make
herself believe in those words as well. "We'll go to Luke's, have some coffee,
stuff ourselves with dinner, come home and watch movies until we crash on the
couch in the living room."
"Th - that's what we always do," Rory pointed out, the emotion inside of her
causing her words to stumble as they left her mouth.
"That's because it works. It's the ultimate solution. To everything."
"I don't think it will work this time... Neither will wishing this would go
away."
"Must you always be so logical?" asked Lorelai, her usual self starting to
perk up.
"But it's still a good idea," Rory assured her mother, wiping the last of her
tears away, sniffling, in desperate need of a tissue. "Is that your way of
saying we don't have to talk about this anymore, for a while?"
"Correct, as always."
Rory paused. "...Okay." She paused again. "I think I'm going to lay down for
a little while first. I think I need a nap."
"If you want me to, I'll knock you out."
Rory smiled faintly. "No thanks."
Grasping Lorelai's hands, Rory rose to her feet, pulling her mother along
with her. The kitchen seemed to close in on them as they stood together, now
understanding one another like never before.
Into that bedroom, into that bed, Rory crawled, the sound of her body like
quiet whispers on the soft cotton of her comforter. She pulled it down from
where it was so neatly tucked, and crawled underneath it. She buried herself in
it, grasping the fibers tightly within two aching fists.
She laid there, at the scene of the crime. She thought about this little
being that was now growing inside of her. She thought about now having to switch
to decaffeinated coffee, which really wasn't coffee at all. It wasn't even
second best, it was nothing in the Gilmore world she had been raised in.
She remembered trying her first cup of coffee at ten years old. Instant
addiction; momentary bliss. She had been guzzling the addicting liquid by the
gallon since. She thought of when her child would try his or her first cup of
coffee. The day they would become a true Gilmore. Lorelai would see to it that
the child got started on such a path as soon as possible, that would be certain.
She thought about Dean. What he must be going through right now, without even
knowing the worst of it. She thought of how he would react when she brought his
world crashing down on him, as hers had done on herself. All because the stick
turned blue.
to be continued...
