Summary:
Dean lets go of his first love.
Rating: PG
Pairing: Rory/Dean, Rory/Jess implied
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Don't sue,
I'll cry. ;p
Spoilers: 'I Can't Get Started'
Dedication: Dedicated to Star, for loving
this despite its flaws. You're the best. :)
- - -
She doesn't love me as much as she used to. I can see it in her
eyes that will no longer look directly into mine. Can sense it in the silence
that so often now hangs between us.
We sit together at a table at Luke's, drinking coffee. Nothing out of the
ordinary. Except that she's leaving town in an hour. Off to join that Paris girl
on a summer learning experience. Leave it to Rory to learn something new at a
time when everyone else's minds are at their laziest.
What strikes me the most this morning is that Rory is not being herself.
Usually, her mouth is moving fifty miles an hour, giving me colorful
descriptions of things and people she's encountered that make me laugh. But
today... today, she doesn't have much to say to me. Although I sense that she'd
like to say a few words to someone else. Namely Jess, who her eyes have been
following off and on since we arrived. She tries to look his way when she thinks
I won't notice, and the second he starts to glance in her direction, immediately
she snaps her vision back to me. Or the table.
The table, where she stared the entire time Jess took our order, leaving me to
let him know what we wanted. I watched as he avoided her with his eyes, focusing
on me and then quickly leaving. Their eyes met as he set the cup of coffee down
in front of her, and as he held her gaze long enough to make me suspicious, I
threw out a cold "Thank you" as my way of telling him to go away.
"What's wrong?" I finally ask, when the silence between us unnerves me.
"Oh, nothing," she says quickly with a smile that seems false.
"Really?" I pry.
"Really... I'm just a little nervous about the trip."
I look at my watch. She doesn't have to be at the bus depot for another forty
minutes yet. We still have time. I'm determined to spend as much of our
remaining minutes with her as I can. After all, she is going to be gone all
summer. It will be the longest I've been away from her since we got back
together.
I'm going to miss her like hell. It hurts me to admit that maybe she wouldn't
say the same.
A part of her has been missing since Jess came to town. Whenever she's with me,
she's distracted, as though she's wishing to be somewhere else. (Or with someone
else.) I had hoped that it would only be temporary, but the more time that
passes, the closer she grows to him.
I thought my problems were solved when Luke sent him back where he came from.
Imagine my surprise to find him back in Stars Hollow, serving tables when Rory
and I walked into Luke's this morning. I asked her if she knew he was back; she
said yes. Of course.
I hate that he's back. I hate that he's a part of her life again. He's not good
for her - - he's mean and ignorant and dangerous. I'll never forget the rage I
felt when I found out that he was the cause of Rory's broken wrist. I know her
intent was to make it out to be no big deal, but as I looked at her with that
cast on her arm, she suddenly looked more fragile than I'd ever seen her. And I
had the strongest urge to protect her, above all else, from HIM.
It's like I told her last night, as she pulled away from the long hug I gave her
after the wedding ceremony and asked what it was for. "You don't understand what
you do to me, Rory. You're just so... cute, and smart, and sweet, and perfect...
God, I just see you from a few feet away and my heart starts pounding faster. My
fingertips tingle, and so do my toes. My stomach rumbles - - but it's a good
rumble, because it's in anticipation of you. And when I touch you, my senses
just go crazy."
She gave me an uneasy smile. Then she glanced around, as if looking for someone.
It looked like she wanted to say something, but she didn't.
When I kissed her, she pulled away before I was ready to end it. And as we held
hands, she didn't give my hand an excited pump like she used to. Hers just laid
limp in my grasp.
I remember how different she used to be with me. I remember seeing her face
light up as I met her at the bus stop after school. I remember the way her
breathing would hitch as I let my fingers trace along her lower back. I remember
the unbelievable beauty of her blue, blue eyes staring straight back at me.
And I remember counting the ways her love began to fade.
To be with Rory at last night's wedding was an amazing thing. As I watched her
make her way down the aisle, I thought to myself that I had never loved her
more. That I would like her to be beside me at my wedding, years down the road.
But despite all of the love that I will always have for her, somehow it isn't
enough. She wants more. More than I can give. She wants him.
I pay for our coffee, purposefully leaving a lousy tip. And I reach my hand out
to Rory to help her stand. She folds both hands in her lap, keeping me from
grabbing one.
"Dean, could you wait outside for me? I need to talk to Jess." My disappointment
must really show in my eyes, because she adds, "It'll only take a minute."
I nod my head and sigh, walking out of the restaurant. I watch from the window
as Rory makes her way to the counter, where Jess is clearing off an old
customer's dishes. I watch the way he looks at her and ball my hands into fists.
Only I should be able to look at her like that.
He says something that makes her laugh, and in that moment she looks so
completely happy. I wonder if I've ever made her feel that way. I can't remember
seeing her ever laugh with such abandon. And I know that it's not so much what
Jess said, but just the fact that he was the one to say it that brings her such
happiness.
I look down at my feet, needing to not see Rory and Jess together anymore. I
wait impatiently for Rory to come join me, shuffling my feet on the sidewalk and
kicking little rocks around to vent my inner frustration.
My heart aches as I realize what I've been trying to ignore: I've lost her.
Mu gut reaction is to want to lash out - - pummel that damn Jess until I've
permanently messed up his face. Smack him around until that cocky grin is wiped
away from his features. But I've simmered my rage, for her sake. For Rory. If
he's what she really wants... then I know I just have to accept it. It's the way
things are, and no amount of pummeling could possibly change that. In fact it
would only make things worse - - make Rory hate me. And I don't ever want her to
hate me.
I shut my eyes tight to hold back the girly tears that I won't let her see. And
I wonder why I'm not the type Rory wants anymore. Why I don't know all about her
favorite literature, and why I don't enjoy writing little notes in the margins
of her books. Why I can't say the things that make her eyes light up so.
Suddenly she's beside me. "Ready to go?" she asks, and I nod. I take her hand,
wanting to feel her skin, and head in the direction of the bus depot. We could
take her car, but I'd rather walk. I'd rather soak up these last few minutes
with her. I know they'll be the last minutes she pretends to be mine. When she
gets back, she'll be his, and I'll have to let her go.
We hardly say a word to one another as we wait for her bus to show up. And when
it does, I close my eyes, willing it to go away. She nudges me, letting me know
that it's time to get moving. I grab her bags and place them where all the
luggage is stored. And then I turn to her, and just stare for the longest time,
seeing a sadness in her eyes as she stares back at me.
I pull her into a gentle hug, and we rock back and forth from one foot to
another. I lower my lips to her hair and breathe in the scent of her shampoo.
Rory uses a different shampoo every month - - whichever brand "calls" to Lorelai
in the grocery store. Her hair smells of peaches, and I smile because that scent
fits her.
When she tilts her head up to look at me, I touch my lips to hers with the same
gentleness as my hug. When she looks back on our kisses, I want her to remember
them like this. Jess' kisses will be hard, full of city-guy want, nothing like
the soft sweetness that I've always given her. That I'm giving her now.
"All passengers need to be on the bus now. We're getting ready to leave," the
bus driver announces to the crowd gathered around his bus. And so I'm forced to
break away from her mouth. My stomach churns painfully as I let go of Rory's
tiny body, stepping away from her and the bus.
"I'll... I'll miss you, Dean," she says, biting her lip.
I hope so.
"Not as much as I'll miss you," I promise.
She swallows, flashes me a brilliant smile, then boards the bus. As she heads
along the aisle, I mirror her steps from the outside so that I'm standing at her
window as she sits down. She places her hand up against the glass as a way of
saying goodbye. I stuff my hands in my pockets and stare longingly at that
beautiful face.
I know that things will be different when she gets back. She's slipped away from
me, and while she's gone, she'll come to realize it. She'll come back Jess'
girl, leaving me to be alone.
As the bus pulls away, she turns away from the window. I feel a sadness wash
over me as the bus turns a corner and she's out of my sight. The feel of her
weight disappears from my arms as I imagine her love for me fading from her
heart.
- -
end
