Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Don't sue,
I'll cry. ;p
Summary: Liz has second thoughts about her
decision to save the world at her expense, and regrets having to break it off
with Max in 'The End of the World'. Together the two learn that sometimes to get
over something, you just have to let it go.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Takes place after 'The End of the
World' (the following December).
Author's Note: I realize all of this isn't
quite realistic. Obviously nobody would be in school on New Year's Eve. But it
was convenient to pretend for the sake of the fiction. Alright, read on now and
enjoy.
Another Note: This was my first
'Roswell' fanfiction. (Kind of obvious, aye?) People improve; they have to start
somewhere. Alright, read on now and enjoy.
- - -
Prologue
-- An introduction from Liz's perspective...
The world would end, he had said. There was no other way; it had to be done. I
couldn't let the future repeat itself. The ability to change it all for the
better was placed in my hands by him. How unfair of him. Yet how obviously
necessary.
Sometimes I really think Tess is far more trouble than she's worth. Just when my
heart was pulled into the mix, perhaps never to be taken back, she had to appear
and ruin everything. Tess and her drawn-out talks of destiny, of the future of
our world, the future of theirs. Tess with her Barbie-blonde hair and transfixed
stare. Tess and her couldn't-be-less-perfect-timing.
Most girls, once they've found their true love, are free to strut about in all
their glory, the beautiful beau at their gleeful side. Everything doesn't always
have to be so serious and dire; they can giggle as they talk of superficial
nonsense with their boyfriends who couldn't care less about "saving the world."
Then again, they don't have to.
Everything's suddenly so different when you're involved with a guy that's
completely out-of-this-world.. of course, in this case, literally. The truth of
it all is that I wouldn't even mind all the danger, the constant running from
enemies, the secrets, if it meant I could be with Max. I think sometimes when
you just find that one person you're supposed to be with, nothing else seems to
matter in comparison, and all the petty details melt away.
But I can't be with Max. Tess has to be with Max. It's "destiny," that term I've
grown to hate that she seems to delight in throwing my way so often. Without the
strength of Tess by his side, Max would fail in the future, and all would be
lost. I must keep him away from loving me for the greater good.
That's quite a task to place upon a teenage girl's shoulders, or at least I
think so. Maybe it's just because I'm bitter, and because of that I'm being
irrational, moody, even ridiculous. But it's just so difficult to accept the
undeniable fact that Max and I really aren't meant to be. It's not the fairy
tale, happily ever-after romance that I had fantasized about. I'll never have
that wedding dance with Max, never get to look into his eyes as I proclaim my
eternal love for him, never get to delicately slide the ring of marital promise
onto his finger.
How can I just deny the connection we had? He may not be entirely human, and he
may not be my destiny, but still, something was there. I could feel it between
us. I'm sure he could too. The electricity, the excitement, the growing love..
had it just been my imagination? There was a fire deep inside of me that burned
more and more every day. Seeing Max across a room was enough to send my heart
into a flutter of a thousand butterflies. To feel his hand lightly caress the
length of my arm was enough to send a tantalizing shiver down my spine. To feel
his lips on mine was enough to make me scream inside. I felt it then and I can
feel it now every time I close my eyes.
It's times like these that I start to question who I am, why I'm here, surviving
day after day on this planet. It's hard to find meaning when something so
important to you will be forever denied. I still see him every day, can feel his
longing for me, and yet he's off-limits and a world away. Being forced to
conceal from him the longing I return is unbearable and even more difficult than
I had predicted. But he can never know.
I can't even believe I told Maria. She's trustworthy, though, and I just had to
tell someone or else I felt I might just blow up. Having a secret that
heart-wrenching and important was killing me inside and I had to let it out,
even if it wasn't to anyone that could do anything about the situation. Not that
there's anything anyone could possibly do...
What is it they say? Forget your troubles, for tomorrow will be a better day.
Perhaps it's just a polite way of saying, "Shut up and get over it." Like that's
going to happen anytime soon.
---
REGRET
"I'm telling you, all that whipped cream just drowns out the flavor -- not to
mention adds about a million unnecessary calories," Maria explained as she and
Liz made their way down the school hallway.
"Maria, come on. Seriously. An ice cream sundae just isn't a sundae without the
whipped cream."
"Hey, I'm just saying, if your parents cut the cream out of the sundaes it'd
really save them some mula, and besides, people would be able to taste the ice
cream easier. It's pure logic."
A laugh resounded from Liz as she rolled her eyes. "I didn't know this was so
important to you."
"Yeah, well, now you know," Maria added nonchalantly as they came upon her
locker. Her fingers guided the padlock to the proper coordinates and the locker
door swung open. "Where the fudge is my math book?" Maria cried out in dismay as
she peered inside.
But Liz wasn't paying attention. Her eyes were riveted on the handsome boy
walking towards them from the other end of the hall. As he passed the two girls,
Max Evans gave Liz a warm, genuine smile before continuing on his way to
biology.
"Oh, woops, it's in my hands," Maria observed, giggling at her stupidity.
Sighing with laughter she slammed the locker door shut and turned to her friend.
"Liz? Hello?"
Rapidly Liz blinked, startled as Maria's fingers were snapped in front of her
face impatiently. "Oh, sorry. Max walked by."
"Gee, I'll inform the newspaper. I swear Liz, I've never seen two people more
infatuated with one another... It's disgusting."
Liz only shrugged and headed for her next class.
---
"I think it's clean," Maria stated a bit louder than usual in an attempt to get
her friend's attention. Liz had been washing the same table for five minutes
straight now, circling the sponge in a monotonous pattern over one particular
area, staring off into space.
"What?" asked Liz, her thoughts abruptly interrupted. She looked down at the top
of the table and stopped her hand. "Oh, yeah.."
Maria shook her head. "My God, you are beyond sad."
"Maria, don't have a cow, I just have some things on my mind," stated Liz, a bit
irritated, as she grabbed the mop from a corner of the room.
"Some things? Oh please, you've only had one thing on your mind for the past
year," said Maria knowingly as she counted the bills in the cash register. "And
the really pathetic thing is I don't think Max has been able to take his mind
off you since forever either."
Liz stopped soaking the mop in a bucket full of soap suds for a moment to give
Maria a well-conjured puzzled look. "Max? Why would I be thinking about Max?"
she asked in as nonchalant a voice as possible.
"Don't even try to kid yourself, Liz, it's more than obvious."
Liz shrugged and got back to mopping. "It's not like you don't think about
Michael just as often you know."
"Alright, you know what? This self-pity has got to stop. You're no fun with your
eyes glazed over all the time." Maria closed the register drawer assertively.
"Tomorrow's the last day in the year 2000. I say it's time we made a resolution
to forget the boys."
Liz's eyebrows were raised in question.
"Well, maybe not FORGET the boys.." Maria admitted, grinning to herself, "But we
DO need to get them out of our minds once in awhile. Come on, I mean, when's the
last time we had a girls' night out? Just you and me? Those were the days."
"A girls' night out? Maria, please, for us that consists of sitting in front of
the tv, shoving ice cream into our mouths."
"Yeah, but that can be fun.." Maria concluded lamely. "And besides, there's
plenty more things we can do together. We'll just have to think for awhile."
"You hate thinking," Liz teased.
"Fine. You'll just have to think for awhile."
---
"So what's all this about exactly? I'm kinda busy," Michael said as Maria paused
in her speech. Being dressed in only a t-shirt and worn jeans, he was beginning
to feel the chill of the winter air as he slouched against the doorframe.
"Can I come in? -- It's cold," came the reply from Maria, rather than answering
the question.
"Yeah, okay." Michael stood up straight and moved to the side, gesturing with
his arm into the apartment. Maria sauntered past him and made her way to the
couch.
"So Liz was thinking we'd throw this New Year's Eve party at The Crashdown
tonight," she began.
"I hate New Year's."
Shifting her weight slightly on the cushion, Maria's face twisted into a bit of
disgust. "Do you realize how uncomfortable your furniture is? You need things
that are softer. Girls like that."
"Girls don't live here."
"Yes, but a certain girlfriend likes to come over once in awhile and when she
does she'd like for her ass to be comfortable while she's supposed to be
relaxing." Maria bounced on the cushion twice, then gave up and decided to stand
once more when it didn't get any softer.
Michael kicked the door shut and stood with his arms crossed against his chest.
"Are you just here to hound me about my taste in stuff to sit on or do you
actually have something to tell me? This party, I'm guessing you want me to
come?"
"Oh, right, the party. Yeah I want you to come."
"If I agree, then will you go? I have stuff to do," said Michael, his voice
starting to sound irritated.
"It must be hard being such a grouch all the time," Maria mused aloud. "But if
it means you're coming I'm satisfied. As long as you don't wear that," she
added, surveying him up and down.
Michael frowned.
---
"Maria, help me understand your logic here, hmm? We're going for a girls' night
out and the first thing you do is invite Michael..."
"Well, you see, it's like this," Maria began, dropping a few of her fries onto
Liz's plate, "if the boys aren't there, we'll be wondering the entire night what
they're up to. Imagining them sucking face with some Cindy Crawford look-alike
when the ball drops at midnight. This way, we'll have them under supervision.
We'll know what they're up to."
Thoughtfully Liz chewed her lunch, swallowing before saying, "Maria, they're not
five."
"Yes but they're guys, Liz. It's the same thing. They can't help themselves when
they're away from the scrutiny -- they'll jump into anyone's pants if given the
opportunity. That's what women are for. We train them to be loyal."
"Max isn't like that," said Liz in defense. And then she sighed. For that was
the truth. He'd follow her around all night with his heart in his eyes, pleading
for her to surrender to his love once more. And she feared she didn't have the
strength to resist again.
---
"Max... can I talk to you?" said Liz in a bit of a hushed voice as she
approached Max in the hallway.
Stopping to face her, Max swallowed over the lump in his throat as he couldn't
help but to notice the soft tap Liz had placed on his shoulder to get his
attention. She was always touching people she loved like that, with tenderness.
As if she was afraid that to use more strength would insult someone.
Trying to decide whether he should be angry or delighted to see her, he forced
out a casual, "Sure."
"Max, I'm sorry I haven't been more availible to talk to lately," Liz began,
shifting her biology book to her other arm, "... I guess I just wasn't sure if I
was a person you wanted to be talking to right now..." And here she paused and
searched Max's face for a hint as to the answer. What she saw seemed to satisfy
her because she went on, "Anyway, Maria and I – Well we were sort of thinking
about having a New Year's party, tonight at The Crashdown."
"Oh... that sounds nice," Max said politely, his eyes on anything but her.
Tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear, Liz continued with uncertainty,
"So anyway, I just thought I'd ask if you'd like to come. I mean if you don't
have any other plans.." She faltered and stopped, waiting for an answer.
There was a slight pause that was just long enough to make the silence awkward
before Max cleared his throat. "Actually, I kind of do have plans."
Liz's heart sunk to the bottom of the ocean, although she tried not to let it
show in her face, or let it be heard in her voice. "Oh, okay – that's fine, I
just, you know, wanted to ask... But hey, have fun with whatever you'll be doing
tonight, Max."
She offered a weak smile before swiftly heading down the hall and retreating
into her next class.
---
"Alright, black, or red?" Maria asked with her back turned to Liz while she
surveyed herself in the body-length mirror in her bedroom. "I think black," she
declared, answering her own question as she held that one in front of her.
"Red's too 'hey-I'm-planning-on-getting-lucky-tonight.' That might be a bit much
to get past my mother."
"I like the black one better anyway," offered Liz, looking up from the homework
she was completing on Maria's bed.
Maria fitted the dress around her body a bit better while she shot silly smiles
into the mirror. "Yeah, you're right." Tossing both dresses aside, she threw
herself onto the bed, thoughrally jumbling Liz's neatly laid-out homework in the
process. "So what're you wearing, babe?"
"This," Liz answered, gesturing to what she was wearing, without looking up from
her books.
"But you wore that all day. Liz, sweetie, it's a party. Nobody parties in jeans,
and trust me on this, alright?" Maria tilted her head, looking closely at her
friend's distracted face. "You'll want to look nice for Max, won't you?"
"Oh, um, Max isn't coming." Now deciding it impossible to finish her work, Liz
carefully put the top back on her pen and dropped it, giving Maria her full
attention.
"But I thought you were going to ask him."
"I did. He said he had plans already." Liz's efforts to keep the disappointment
out of her voice failed miserably.
"Oh, Liz, I'm sorry," Maria said sympathetically.
"No no, it's okay. If I were him I wouldn't even want to be around me right now.
After all, I only broke his heart into a thousand pieces for a reason that he'll
never know." Sighing with frustration, Liz laid back onto the pillows. "It was
wrong of me to even ask him, Maria. If he came the temptation would do me in,
I'd confess! And I can't do that. I CAN'T do that."
"Do you want me to call Michael and tell him not to come?" asked Maria, reaching
for the phone.
Smiling with gratitude at her best friend, Liz shook her head. "Thanks, but no.
There's no reason why both of us have to be alone tonight."
"You won't be alone! I'll keep you company," Maria promised. "Oh, and Alex. Kyle
will be there, he can tell you all about Buddha until you want your ears to rot
off."
Liz laughed. "Yeah, okay."
"Okay then," Maria said, standing up once more. "So, NOW, which dress are you
gonna wear?"
Giving in, Liz half-pointed to the red one. "I think I'll be the one that needs
the luck tonight."
Comfortably leaning against the counter, Liz watched as Alex's face contorted to
that of disgust. He was surveying over the CD collection that would be used in
an hour as the party started, and quite obviously he didn't like what he was
seeing.
"Alright, I've seen enough," he said, setting the entire stack next to the
portable stereo and turning to Liz. "No one in their right mind wants to bring
in the new year while having Sheryl Crow and 98 Degrees blasted in their ears."
Liz didn't reply, only stared. "Luckily for you, I bring reinforcements," Alex
continued, tossing a backpack onto the counter between the two of them. He
unzipped the top and turned it sideways, spilling out a good thirty Cds in the
process. "Behold: Green Day, Smashing Pumpkins--"
"Michael Jackson," Liz interrupted, laughing as she picked up the CD nearest to
her.
"Liz, he's a god in the music world, soft and annoying music or not."
"Fine, fine, whatever," Liz gave in with a sigh. "I now pronounce you DJ for the
night." Alex seemed satisfied, so she walked away to finish decorating the
Crashdown. Paper streamers were strung neatly from one end of the room to
another, confetti dressed the tabletops, and a large "Happy REAL Millennium"
poster hung on one of the walls.
"Alright, my lovely public, let's get this thing started!" Maria announced
cheerfully, jumping into the room. "Liz! Get dressed girl! Everyone will be here
soon."
---
Liz purposefully took her sweet time getting ready for the party, and it was
awhile after she heard the music begin to blare signalling that guests were
arriving before she made her way downstairs. Stalling for no reason, except the
fact that she didn't care to be down there.
Apprehensively she surveyed her reflection in the mirror above her dresser.
Cocking her head slightly to the right, she smoothed down the blood-red dress
she had somehow been cajoled to wear. Tight, it was too tight. Showed too much,
she worried to herself. But, then again, why did it matter? No Max tonight. No
Max for her ever again.
"I wonder what he sees in me... what he ever saw in me," Liz mused aloud in a
sullen tone. "He would hate this dress."
Perhaps that was true. As she spun around before the mirror, Liz's hair fanned
out, and when she stopped once more in front of her reflection it fell around
her face in a disheveled way that was very becoming. Pursing her lips, she
reached for some gloss and smoothed it onto her lips, trying to mask her
melancholy mood with a prettied-up face.
She stood as if in a trance while in front of that mirror until a knock pulled
her back into the present. Turning slightly, she glimpsed Alex in her bedroom
doorway. "What?"
"Maria was getting anxious. She sent me up here to drag you downstairs.
Everyone's here: Michael, Isabel, Kyle..." Alex stopped speaking to give his
best friend a smile that sought to reassure. "Max isn't here. As far as I know,
Tess wasn't invited. Come on, we'll all have a fun time together."
'Max isn't here.' That's what Liz heard of all that. So he really did have
plans. "Alex, you said Tess isn't here... Do you think she and Max are somewhere
together?"
"I don't know." Tentatively Alex stepped into the room to pull Liz into a soft
embrace. "I wish you wouldn't look so sad. It's a time to celebrate, Liz. A new
year. We all get to start over. Make things better." He held her tighter before
going on. "Don't let Max ruin this night for you."
Determined to keep from crying, Liz stifled a sob as she nodded and stepped away
from Alex. "You're right... let's go downstairs."
---
"Wow, look who finally decides to show up," Maria joked as Liz and Alex emerged
from upstairs. "I gotta tell you, Liz, you've really got that fashionably late
thing down."
Liz heaved a big sigh and then laughed, looking around at her closest friends
that were gathered to celebrate the holiday. Michael nodded over at her. "Yeah,
good thing you finally showed up – Maria wouldn't shut up about how down you've
been."
Maria shot him a playful smack. "It's called being a concerned friend, alright?"
"Thanks, Maria. But I'm okay." Liz forced out a grin to show she meant it. "So
everyone stop standing around and looking at me. God, it's a party! Go do your
little party thing."
As if on cue, Alex cranked the music up a notch. Shooting Liz a comforting
smile, Maria lead Michael out into the center of the room. Liz had conveniently
moved the tables to the outside walls of the room to make some space for
dancing. Watching her friend sway to the music with Michael, Liz felt her heart
crumble. Closing her eyes, she could envision Max and herself doing that very
thing.
Refusing to re-open her eyes and be brought back to a reality she didn't care to
live in, Liz constructed an entire fantasy in her mind. "Oh, Max, it was just a
lie," she'd say as he stared into her eyes with that familiar burning intensity.
"I would never ever sleep with Kyle, surely you must know that. But I had to lie
in order to save the world. You came to me from the future – you said that our
being together doomed us all from surviving in the years to come, and that you
had to be with Tess. I had to make you be with Tess. Max, you came to me, you
came back from the future to me, knowing I was the only one capable of saving
you from destroying everything for everyone."
"I knew it couldn't be true," he'd say, believing her without the slightest
hesitation, as was his downfall for being so smitten with her. "Liz, we'll find
a way to still be together. Tess will understand if we handle it the right way.
Denying our love is impossible, Liz. There's no way Tess wouldn't be able to
understand that. Not after seeing the two of us together..."
"I've never seen anyone fall asleep standing up," came a sarcastic remark to
yank Liz away from her reverie. Startled, she opened her eyes to find Kyle
standing before her with a strange expression on his face.
Annoyed, she frowned. "I wasn't asleep, I was just thinking."
"About what?" he asked in his usual manner that showed he really couldn't care
less.
"Nothing," Liz remarked, running a hand through her hair absently. "Well nothing
of importance anyway. I guess I was just wondering where Max is tonight."
Kyle lifted his glass of punch up to his mouth to take a swig. Swallowing loudly
first, he turned his attention back to Liz. "Max. You're thinking of Max? The
guy I was supposed to pretend to cheat with you on for some unknown reason? Why
the hell would you be thinking about him on a night like this?"
Sighing with frustration, Liz realized it was useless trying to level with
someone like Kyle on this subject. With an irritated voice she stated simply, "I
don't know."
"So hey, Liz, I was thinking that since Max and Tess seem to be missing, we'll
be the two odd ones out. Which means, no new year's kiss. You wanna buddy up on
that?"
"Whatever you say, Kyle," Liz said in return, her eyes looking elsewhere. In
through the door came Max, decked out in a navy blue suit, complete with a tie.
Seemingly reconsidering coming here, he glanced around uneasily.
"He came," Liz breathed, so faintly it was almost a whisper. Confused, Kyle
turned around to see what she was talking about. Upon seeing the object of her
attention, he gave Liz a look that she failed to notice, then made his way
across the room to talk to someone more interested in a conversation.
Immediately Max's eyes locked with Liz's from where he stood feet away. The
uncertainty in his expression mirrored that in hers. Liz stood frozen,
uncomfortable being so trapped and caught off-guard. Unable to decide on a
course of action, she just stood, refusing to take her eyes from Max, as he did
the same.
Max's shoulders sunk after a few moments caught in silence, and he turned on his
heel to head out the door. In a flash, Liz hurried after him, shoving through
the doors into the cold night air. She stopped short as she pulled within inches
of Max now on the sidewalk outside the Crashdown.
"...You came," Liz whispered when she feared that unbearable silence would start
again.
"I should go," came the reply in just as hushed a whisper.
Liz bit her bottom lip and then let it go, a habit she had developed as a child
when she was nervous. "Please don't..."
The torture was apparent in Max's eyes as she stepped in closer to him, pulling
him into a hug. Hungrily his arms encircled her slight body, thankful to feel
her warmth again. No words were spoken as the silence stretched long and
unpierced. No longer able to hold the anguish in her heart, Liz let the tears
streak her cheeks before they soiled Max's silk shirt.
The secret was pressing down on her conscience harder and harder with each
passing day, and coupled with the undeniable love she felt for Max, together the
two forces felt as though they were ripping her apart. In those moments as she
was held in Max's arms, Liz feared soon all her resistance would be gone, and in
her fragile state of mind she'd flee to his kiss and his touch, convincing
herself that would make it all better.
Max didn't ask questions, although many had been circling through his mind since
seeing the girl of his dreams in bed with Kyle. As she broke down, he felt her
tears fall on him and held her close, like a friend. If it wasn't meant to be
for the two of them together, then time would heal the gash in his heart and in
that time he could be there for her, as a friend. As a soulmate, but not a
lover.
Confused as he was about the entire situation, even why he had shown up on this
night when everything in his mind had told him to stay away, Max buried his
questions down deep. Although his heart cried out for Liz as her tears fell, and
although he wanted to break down along with her, he stood strong for her sake.
He would cry later.
Slowly Liz composed herself, and with her eyes shimmering still with the ocean
she still had within her, she pulled away to look up at Max. Searching her brain
for the right words, the right explanation, anything she thought might help, she
came up empty. Not knowing what else to say, she voiced all that was needed.
"I'm sorry, Max."
And then there was nothing further to say, so she left it at that. Max's face
stayed expressionless, and it wouldn't be until later that he accepted those
words as all that Liz could offer. Destiny would prevail and broken hearts of
the past would be mended.
Squeezing his hand with faint strength, Liz turned and walked away.
The End.
